Mocking, Mediocrity and Ms. Azmi

It is when mediocrity aims for excellence and for lack of obvious talent or inclination, assumes the cloak of supremacy by mocking others as mediocre that smoke starts erupting from one’s ears. Don’t ask me what in the world made me watch “Koffee with Karan”. It must have been this ex-colleague of mine who mocks it all the time but nevertheless doesn’t miss a single episode (perhaps because he gets enough ammunition from it to mock all Indians, by extrapolation naturally, in front of me). Or perhaps it was the boring, pouring Saturday evening when the only other refuge would have to be the packed shopping malls of the great sale. I chose to blame it all though on my curiosity to watch the man of words- Javed Akthar and the woman whose substance has been touted over and again by our media (oh God indeed!)- Shabana Azmi tackling the monster of cliché- Mr. k..k..k..kkkkk Johar (his use of phrases like “do you all..” is just stupendously smoke evoking, need I say?).

Before we move on though, Disclaimer #1) I am not against feminists, nor against people of any gender who wear ethnic stuff and imagine themselves to be the torch bearers for the rest of the masses simply because they can talk what they want and yet get away with it with no practical impact what so ever (are you thinking Shoba De? don’t even go there).What I am against is pretention. And that has been bestowed in abundance by some quirk of fate to all three of the people on the set. So I kind of knew that I would be enraged by the end of the show when I sat down with my coffee to watch it (why watch it you ask? I was curious if I would catch Koffee Karan drinking from his mug of whatever-he-has-in-it. Okay?).

Disclaimer #2) Let me also clarify what I mean by pretension. This is an art form that all of us possess inherent talent for and most of us practice in our daily lives to a certain extent. However, like say lying to your spouse about the cost of your 20th pair of shoes or feeling greedy about the 5th Samosa, this can only be tolerated to an extent. Each one has his way of looking at the limits for tolerance but once a person tries to emulate this image of him/her that has been conceived and nurtured by self, I draw the line. Or the media bred monsters who lecture us on everything that they don’t believe in would have made the “normal” among us extinct.

You ask what’s my grouse? First things first. I was absolutely stunned by KJ’s question – “Sometimes has the presence of mediocrity ever upset you?” (don’t even get into the grammar part of it OK? Just accept it that most of the Bollywood stars speak pidgin and not English). But what followed was even better. 'Well I was doing a special appearance. It was a three-day part and I went on the sets and he was a south Indian film director who was ready with the scene. I told him, I need to ask you a couple of questions and he said fine. So he said “Madam, she’s mad!”, so I said, ‘What madness does she suffer from? Is it psychosis, is it schizophrenia, is it neurosis?’ and as I asked every question I saw him becoming paler and paler and he looked completely shocked and he said, “Madam, just play filmi-mad!” So I said, “What does that mean?” and he said, “It means nothing madam. It only means that you laugh HA HA HA HA and then start crying! That is filmi-mad”.

Ma’am we all know you have a degree in psychology but then it must be your failing memory that made you list cause (schizophrenia) and effect (psychosis) as two different “kinds of madness”. And where exactly was your aversion for mediocrity when you do a three day stint in a south Indian movie? I guess the lure of south Indian bucks made you temporarily inane to mediocrity. I have some advice for you – absolutely free of cost – just one south Indian to a north Indian - If you want to be seen as an intellectual, you need to:

1) Have some grey matter

2) Use it and not just imagine that you are using it

3) Be consistent in your attitude to life (it is either paisa or non-mediocre art ma’am not a path that leads to either as it suits you)

4) Stop changing your opinions every two seconds (to one of those pseudo-intellectual questions: What would you do if you could ask Sonia Gandhi to change one policy or something on those lines, she first answered that she would demand that slums shouldn’t be evacuated without providing alternative accommodations for the slum dwellers. And ten minutes later, she wanted to “change” her answer to –I would like to have the right to information/freedom of speech or some such s***t)

5) Stop pretending to be what you are not (intellectual)

I am pretty sure once you take this path of enlightenment; you shall find your goal – that of evading mediocrity. In the meanwhile, perhaps you can perhaps remind your man of words some of the stunning poetry that Gulzar has bestowed Indian cinema with – poetry with real emotions and real words and not recycling of a vocabulary of less than a 1000 words – ishq, mohobbat, zindgagi, dil, pyar, et al (no matter how much you adore the Americans, this is simply not an area which would beg emulation!). Because for the life of me, I cannot understand how he aspires to have written not a “tujhse naaraz nahin zindagi”, “mera kuch saaman” or “o saathi re” (and a zillion others) of Gulzar but a “beedi jalayle”?!

Oh, can I add to the list?

6) Aspire for greatness and you might even reach somewhere close. Otherwise, you will continue to generate smoke from the ears of one woman who at one point in her life (sadly) had thought of you as a sensible person

7) Read Indian history

8) Phew!