My Very Own But Not Quite

To all those choices you will make,
In those moments of closed eyes and clenched fists
which will overwhelm you,
steady you or trip you over,

My daughter; you who is my very own

And yet not quite;
This ache in my heart, is for all that and more

I remember the day I saw you first

Through an enchanted lens of science and faith
We peered into my womb
And caught you sucking your thumb

That sterile room came alive

A sweeping vision of awe, fear and bliss
I wondered then, if I had ever known love
Before I stepped into that room

I bowed then to life, to death and rebirth

To my mother who had foreseen this for me
And to your daughter that will too.
But from that moment, my daughter;
You who is my very own, but not quite;

This ache in my heart, is for those choices you will make,

All those moments of closed eyes and clenched fists
Which will overwhelm you, steady you or trip you over,
For all that and much more

Searching for Answers? Try Governence, Not Mythology

Too often in public debate about rape, emotions start raging and the focus shifts to violence against women. When the infamous Nirbhaya gang-rape came to light, copious editorials were written about the state of women in India and ‘experts’ were probing for answers in mythology and behavioral psychology. If you are interested in the issue enough to have landed here, you won’t need me to recount any of those arguments. Suffice it to say that most of them seem to think “this is how bad a woman’s position is in India. It has always been so because even our myths give some examples of sexual assault on women. To this day, women don’t have the same social/cultural rights as men do and so rape is essentially about India’s attitude towards women”. I have one word for this kind of hotchpotch analysis-wrong.

Yes, it is true that depending on which part of India you are from, you will be treated a little lesser than your male counterparts. I have lived outside of India for long enough to know that this attitude is neither specific to Indian males nor is a ‘highly educated community’ such as that of science sheltered from this prejudice. But why doesn’t this translate into horrendous rape crimes, the likes of which make us all collectively feel guilty and scarred whenever we hear of incidents such as the recent gang rape of a Mumbai journalist?

To begin with, we should accept that rape is first and foremost a crime. It is not about behavior or attitude towards woman although I am not denying they have a role to play. But when we tie it to attitude or behavior and start talking about teaching men/educating boys, we run into trouble. We focus on positive motivations and facilitators for rape all the time. We say our society’s beliefs and attitude towards women make rape possible. Okay. Even if we accept that argument, how would we correct that? What are we going to teach? That they should respect women and hence shouldn’t rape them? Okay who are we going to teach? Young kids? Teenagers? Old men? Office workers? Chai wallahs? How are we going to teach? Books? Media campaigns? If I am being circumspect about it with this argument, let me ask you a question: when a maniac runs into a school and opens fire, do we talk about educating people on attitude to school children? No, we talk of gun control policies. We talk of tough laws and stricter enforcements. That is we focus on negative incentives to reduce crime. What will make the crime so ‘costly’ that an average person would desist from it?

In case of rape in India, as is with many other crimes in India, even assuming the laws are tough, it is no secret that our processes of enforcement are inefficient at best and corrupted at worst. Take the case of the nirbhaya – the main accused ‘hanged himself’, the ‘juvenile’ in the case is all set to walk away with a mild sentence. Oh heck, how many of us even follow the case anymore? Life will go on because we all will keep talking about attitudes towards women and in the meanwhile, our system gets away with being more dysfunctional and corrupt as ever.

It is a human right to live safely. Instead of worrying about behaviors towards women, we should focus on behavior towards life. Why is crime so prevalent in India? Why do men get hacked in broad daylight? Why do children still work as manual laborers in India? Why do we take all these for granted? Precisely because we focus on the wrong end of the issue.

లేనిదేమిటి?

నువ్వు లేని నా ఈ గీతం లొ

శ్రుతి వుంది, లయ వుంది, భావమూ వుంది

మరి లేనిదేమిటి?

ఆప్పుడప్పుదు తొంగి చూసే నీ వూపిరి

నా ఎదొలోనే వుంది, ఇదిగో ఇక్కడే

నీ స్పర్శ గుర్తుల్లొ, నీ చూపుల సెగల్లొ

నువ్వు నడిచిన ఈ లొగిలిలొ

ఇదిగొ ఇక్కడే

ఆగి పొయిన నా ఈ జీవనం;

ఇక్కదె వుందె,

మరి లేనిదేమిటి?

For you, yet again

How many questions will answer my quest for you?

I have craved only for you, the warmth of your breath

Your yearning and my desire entwined

In the only manner in which life ever matters

 

Meandering through the many lanes of being,

I have even come close enough to smelling the musk of your skin

Have tasted honey at times, in the tears I shed for you 

 

I see you at the end of that rainbow, in my child's smile

In a silken tune of melancholy

When the music ends, why does the rainbow fade?

When I replay the song, why don’t those colors return?

 

Riding these dark waves of ceaseless hunger,

I may even have touched you once.

When that hunger sated, why did you disappear?

When it returns, why does it not bring you back?

 

 In the forgotten episodes of childhood,

I search for all my answers now and then

That departure, her rejection, were they the reason?

Or was it the exclusion not always  explicit? 

 

I know I yearned for you then, as I do now

Halfway across the world, in forbidden alleys

I trace my way to your threshold

Each time a door opens, why do I run?

When I return to that door, why does it stay closed?

 

With desperate claims to propriety

Pleading for empathy, I cling onto you

I dream often of your journey to where you belong

Why do I wake up and find you alone?
 

Just how will any question answer my quest for you?